What do I think is love?
To me, love really is a matter of vulnerability. When I lower every guard I have and tell my lover secrets of mine, and they hold those secrets to their heart, that is love. In this way, I guess, I have friends that I love, that I can share my innermost self with, and friends that I donapos;t.
And then thereapos;s my lover. I think I share that same love, but itapos;s tempered - Iapos;m always watching what I say, because I never want to disappoint him. Iapos;ve had breakups before, and so maybe part of this is a fear of not wanting to give myself entirely to him. Or perhaps itapos;s a fear that heapos;ll leave me if he gets too close to my heart and sees what I think I am.
Of course, when I do let him in, he never leaves me. Half the time it leaves me in tears - when I realise that heapos;s just accepted who I am and heapos;s still there, it affects me like nothing else. And Iapos;ve revealed demons of mine that Iapos;m sure anyone else would need to do some serious soul-searching about. But he didnapos;t. Every neurosis. Every secret. Every demon. He took them all, and then embraced me harder. And the more vulnerable I make myself, the more, I realise, he loves me.
And itapos;s so much effort To slip past all those defenses, to say whatapos;s at the core of my being, to put myself out there, to be denied or accepted, is so incredibly hard. Itapos;s terrifying, itapos;s scary, and past history seems to help only a little. But everytime I do it, I get my heart back.
There was a point once where I believed that I would trust my lover with my life, but not my self. These days? Iapos;m not so sure. I have now told my boy things that I have never told another soul, living or dead. I have told him things that I would never admit to myself. I have dredged up the most horrendous memories and shared the terrible things that lay there. He has my self now. I trust him not just with my life, but with my me.
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